One of the biggest mistakes I make as a homeschooling parent is when I try too hard to force learning to happen. There is wisdom to be gleaned from being open to learning from our kids’ resistance and being flexible with our “plans.”
As a parent who loves to plan, I have had to learn to embrace the mantra: “plans shmans”. On our first day of “first grade,” I had what I thought was a magical lesson.We were going to begin writing our letters for the first time. We started the day and I assumed my kids would dive in and love it. My daughter was all in. My son said something like, “This sounds ok, but since people used to write with feathers and ink, what if we go to the beach and find some seagull feathers and make our own pens and ink, and THEN start.” I had a moment of hesitation, mourning my beautiful plans, wondering if I would set a bad example by giving in, but deep down it felt so right to go spend that sunny September morning together on the beach looking for feathers.
We did write something that day, but that was not nearly as important as the experience. It was the moment I was able to accept, navigate, and follow the moment. My son’s idea was awesome, and shifting gears to honor that was the right thing for us to do. It helped set the tone for our year, honoring worthwhile spontaneity, creativity, and fun.
That day foreshadowed our homeschooling days and the years to come. Plans shmans. It can be infuriating. I make plans, usually my daughter jumps on board, my son is ALWAYS ready with his own spin. Sometimes his ideas ARE better and we go with them, sometimes we stick with the plan. But if we always just stuck with my plan, this more creative and alive learning space that I want for my kids would wither and die.
I’m not always as flexible as I was on that first day, but striving toward this kind of openness is something that has served me well in creating an atmosphere where my kids feel like they have an active role in their education. Even though we do have a weekly schedule, I have found it to be valuable to change things up when it makes sense. It keeps things feeling fresh and fun. When I notice resistance, when I notice that I’m trying to force something, it feels like I have this magic wand in my back pocket. As homeschoolers, beholden to no one but ourselves, we can be amazingly flexible. It is not a luxury classroom teachers have, though I imagine one that many long for.
It’s easy to judge resistance and write if off as our kids being lazy or subversive. My suggestion is to give them the benefit of the doubt. Thinking the best of our children will help elevate the situation. It is not that they do not want to learn, just that something in the equation is not working. Taking a moment to pause, talk things through, and troubleshoot, will take all the steam out of the tension and serve you well.
Waving that magic wand can be a great way to reboot. We take days off out of nowhere, just because it feels like we need a break. We declare pajama days, Lego days, baking days. We throw our plans out the window and follow whatever sparked an interest that day. Being flexible is a huge asset as a homeschooling parent. There are many barely touched workbooks on our shelves that, ultimately, did not spark joy and had to be abandoned. Not easy, but the right move.
Kids are not machines and to expect that every single weekday at the same time for the entire school year that they will sit and complacently focus on their schooling feels like an impossible expectation.
They may do that for teachers, in a school, where the group dynamics and classroom management strategies can hold the space and keep the majority of the kids on task, but learning at home is different than learning at school, and the parent-child relationship is not the same as the teacher-child one. If we are trying to take on a “teacher” role, our kids will sniff out the inauthenticity and reject it. I don’t think of myself as my kids “teacher” because as a parent I have been helping my kids learn about the world since the day they were born. For me, homeschooling in the academic years feels like an extension of what we took on when we decided to have children. This way of approaching homeschooling has helped our more structured learning time feel authentic , fun, and dynamic, not like something I’m forcing on them.
Usually.
Resistance is inevitable. Growing children are in a constant state of change, so it makes sense that what may have worked a few months ago, may not work in the same way later in the year. When I start to feel that resistance and notice that I’m pushing and forcing things, I try to catch it early. That’s not always easy, but the more I do it, the easier it gets. Being open to changing and rethinking the plans does not make me feel like I am “giving in” so much as fine tuning.
All children want to learn. We homeschool parents have the difficult and wonderful task of figuring out how not to get in the way.
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