Navigating homeschooling anxiety and honoring both the hard and soft skills.
Homeschooling parents are some of the hardest working people I have ever encountered. They do their homework, they consult with experts, they are always learning and striving, and also, unfortunately, worrying that what they are doing may fall short.
We humans are unfortunately programmed to weigh negative experiences more readily and more heavily than we do positive ones. Stanford psychology professor Dr. Laura Cranston has studied and written about this tendency and says, “Many psychologists think that this has evolutionary roots; that is: It’s more important for people, for survival, to notice the lion in the brush than it is to notice the beautiful flower that’s growing on the other side of the way,”
We cannot change our evolutionary roots, but we can strive to temper this tendency. The Open-Minded Learning website and instagram feed is an attempt to stretch those muscles. By reframing the seemingly throwaway moments of everyday life into valid learning categories, we can begin to make that shift. We can retrain our brains to notice and remember what is happening right before our eyes.
Reframing came up often when I worked in clinical psychology. It was a standard treatment modality. A client would come into my office and share what was not working in their life, and my goal was to help them reframe their narrative. I would emphasize the times that their worst expectations did not happen, highlight the positive that was always so easily dismissed, and help them develop coping strategies with a concrete plan to move into a more productive internal dialogue. This was not about invalidating their struggles and bad experiences; it was about helping them radically accept what they could not change and take control of what they could. The AA mantra came up a lot in my masters program. Getting to a place where this is possible takes time, and I strived to help each client find tools that helped them to get there. It is different for everyone, but most of the tools, in some way or another, came back to developing healthy coping strategies: making time for self-care, and self-soothing skill building.
This work as a therapist has helped me to emotionally navigate these homeschooling waters. Understanding my triggers, knowing how to reduce my emotional reactivity, valuing my own basic needs (good sleep, exercise, eating well) are all important pieces of the picture. Working on these coping strategies has helped me to more easily recognize and hold on to the good that is happening in our day to day lives.
In addition to recognizing the more traditional academic subjects that arise in everyday experiences, Open-Minded Learning is also about shifting our minds to recognize that those traditional subjects aren't the only ones that are important. Getting lost in the moment, building independence, self-directed learning skills, social skills, bravery, empathy, hope, compassion, patience, emotional intelligence … these are all skills I deeply want my children to develop during these years we have together. While it is unlikely I will find them in any academic curriculum, opportunities to work on these crucial life skills arise in our day to day life. We just have to recognize when they do and give them equal importance as arithmetic or language arts skills.
This is not only tough but also not measurable. It relies on our own mental strength to hold the conviction that this hard “life work” really is just as important as the more accepted academic part of what people assume homeschooling is. Striving to recognize, validate, and honor these seemingly throwaway moments is something we can all start doing today, as is reframing the inevitable daily hiccups as important stepping stones.
It is not in our human nature to easily make this leap, so it makes sense that we would need help to get there. I don’t think we all need homeschool therapists, but there is a reason we are drawn to uplifting quotes, and why we all recognize the need to develop a support system. I have one friend I have consistently called after our homeschool co-op days when things did not go as planned, and I’ve left feeling anxious, defeated and flustered. I call her and tell her I need to debrief. I call her because I know that she will be the voice I need to hear. She reminds me of what did happen, and she quickly helps me get to that place of recognizing the stumbles as important learning experiences. I’m so grateful to have her. We all need those supportive voices in our heads, and even though I’ve been working on these muscles for awhile, I still often need help in transforming my anxiety into a productive dialogue.
“We don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents.” - Bob Ross
Reframing our bad days with What can we learn from this? is empowering. It helps me quiet my mind and relieves anxiety around diving in again the next day.
Ultimately, feeling successful as a homeschooler is not going to be tied to finding the perfect curriculum, setting up the ideal learning space, or accumulating the best school supplies. Those things are important, but the heart of the endeavor begins at the human level with:
Connecting as a family
Being an interested listener and an observer
Being willing to shift directions when it’s clear that the plan is not working
Being open to nourishing our children's passion
Finding the courage to let go of our preconceived notions about what learning looks like
Striving in this way can not only enliven our homeschooling life, but can strengthen our bond with our children and help empower them to be active, dynamic participants in their learning journey.
Don’t expect it to be easy. Despite being over ten years into this, I am still leaning on friends and doing my homework. I still need reminders to help me recognize my blind spots. Recently my son’s cello teacher told us that he should be practicing an hour minimum each day, and I was blinded by the need to follow orders. That resulted in my trying to force things to happen. I set timers, I nagged, I showed my frustration... Of course, it backfired. When I acknowledged that my son needed to have more of a say in the matter, listened to his feelings around the new practice schedule, and recognized that his being forced to do something someone else’s way was not going to work, there was an immediate shift for the better.
The Open-Minded Learning website is an effort at spreading awareness of the amazing things that happen every single day of our lives as homeschoolers. It is a privilege that we get to be on this learning journey together as a family and with our friends, and it is inevitable and invigorating that deep life learning during our homeschooling years is not just about the children.
The more work we do to fill up the well of faith in our homeschooling path, the more quickly we will be able to return to it when we need to and find comfort in all those hard won truths.
Blog articles, Ted Talks, podcasts, book recommendations, homeschool resources, tried and true nature lessons, games, and group building tips are all in the plans to help parents minimize the worry and move into the joy.
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